Using a painful experience to encourage someone is not easy.

Hmm... Looking through my blog, and I realised I was so much skinner in 2010...

(Picture of me, 2010)

Maybe last time still much more active in life, didn't manage to gain weight... 

But then.. I don't look skinny below which was taken in 2008! Lol.

(In RP, first year: 2008)

(Picture of me, 2010)

My smile lines were so deep! I look so pathetically skinny.. 

But I'm skinny during that time might be because I busy crying every night.. Have no idea, on this rainy night, at this particular time (1.17am) I suddenly thought of the magic numbers: 2010.. This number I will never forget... The number that caused 3 loss in my entire life that I have ever encountered.

(Picture of me, 2010)

Perhaps the misery could really make me lost weight. Will never forget how tough it was to really force down all my tears each night without making any noise.. Texting my IICs and huimin to send me words of encouragement... Each night was so hard to bear, but I made it through now..

I think until now, when I still talked to my mum about my comrade.. Tears were brimming in my eyes, but I never failed to use him as a role model to encourage my mum... Because she somehow 'connected' to my comrade from the time when my mum attended his ritual.. She cried too, despite that was her first time meeting him.. (I must have repeated this story before, sorry for the grandmother story!)

(Picture of me, 2010)

Out of my senior and my big Aunty.. He really is a big enlightenment to me. And really feel the pain of leaving this place with regrets, the shameful me who never helped to fulfil his wish.. If only I can put in more effort, I maybe able to do so. What a lousy friend I am.

Do you know, because of you.. I found some direction in my studies? I'm taking a degree course, it was extremely tough to cope with work and studies!! I always missed my deadlines for quiz! The most fortunate incident was my assignment deadlines.. It got extended TWICE! It's all the good fortune I believe! 

(Picture of me, 2010)

By now, you shouldn't even know my presence... Sigh sigh... I realised that I have never ever had a face to face chat with my friends with my personal stuff. Lol. Maybe they can't even bothered about me, since I always laugh laugh only.. Even I headache, also laugh only.. Who will know what I can be facing behind that laughing mask.

Comrade, you still owe me bread talk lor. Eh, I really don't know why I still cannot be more open hearted.. 3 years!! Aiyo, I got so stubborn not...

(Present!! My face looks rounder!)

I have no idea who should I talk to.. So here I am again. Even if I talked to any of them, I'm quite sure they only reply very briefly. They do not understand it. Hmm, maybe because of this I rather find no one to talk to unless I really need a person to talk to?

Why people lives can be so short, why some so long? What about mine? Coming soon or like another donkey years? 

Really damn regretful not visiting you earlier, dont know what my brain was doing.. Why so obedient to listen IIC's word not to disturb you.. Why???? Why I can't see you the last time when it's just a day away?? Why it made me feel so near yet so far?? So sorry comrade, I'm seriously very regretful till now.

Continue to hear from me.. Receive all the dmk I have chanted for you! Good night, my courageous comrade.

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A day away from the start of May.

Dear Comrade,

22 more days marked your 3rd year. Wah... Initially, time crawled. Now, time fled. 1073 days, 25752 hours has passed. I was still thinking that it's only the 2nd year. Blur me.

Everyday, when I opened my gongyo book, I saw you. Always keep you in my prayer list, chant that you will have more good fortune that the year you have left. Dont know which part of the mother nature you are in, what chapter of your new journey you are at. Nevertheless, I hope you have been well. I•SRY - I Still Remember You. 

Signing off...

_________________________________________________________________________________

[280413] CG Dragonboat @ Bedok Reservoir

Thank you mani! Thank you for agreeing to change your shift with me so that I can attend the competition. However, thanks to the rain... We have a difficult time lor. Like spreading out the canvas and banners and shelter ourselves to the venue which is deep inside the park. We are like 3 caterpillars walking through the park! LOL! 

Using banners and canvas as shelter!

Even if I have umbrella also like useless! LOL! Cause the rain was so heavy that all the rain water just fall onto me from the side of the umbrella! Simon best, he was soaked from head to toe despite holding onto an umbrella too!

The team really amazed me, they came prepared despite rain or shine! They were damn awesome! In no time, we set up a place to settle our things! :)

Because of my job commitment  I couldnt attend quite a number of trainings. Therefore, I was placed as drummer instead of paddler. I think I was the most slack player who only use the energy in the drum hitting only! LOL! But it was a really unforgettable experience seating in the boat with all of them! 

CG Mixed team! :D

All those who are older than me, I really enjoy talking to them... They really enlighten me alot. They are really nice and patient, they are always ready to help you. They are just a bunch of noble people! ^^

When the oldies and the youngsters come together, we are really a well balanced team! LOL!

The oldies~

The youngster! 

Relax first before the race~

Hard to balance the boat with 5 on the left, and 3 on the right.

Thinking what for dinner.. LOL!

It was a very encouraging competition for ladies team, despite the fact that we do not have full players unlike the other teams. But still manage to come in 3rd out of the 4 teams! To the paddlers, the boat is heavy as there's only 8 of them. I really feel so proud of them, especially when we have a 70 years old paddler! That's our spirit!

Overall, it was an awesome experience! With the older generation and the younger generation! haha! I'm the middle generation! Team manager, Simon has gave us a month of break! Will be back in June? HA! Thank you all for the experience and fun! :D

HUAT AH!

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2 years... what are you doing for the past 2 years?

Today is exactly 2 years since you closed your eyes and never opened them. 同志，你好吗？



Though 2 years has passed, but it seems that it just happened yesterday. Felt as though I was part of a drama show~ But that's how I feel.


Honestly speaking, I am feeling much better all these while... But when I recalled all those details, the bitter feeling is back. Every single part of it I still remember, the call I received, followed by a sms the next morning, that morning seems so unreal.. That night, the last time I saw you with your eyes already closed. I cried on huimin... The third day, we sent you off. So glad I have Jinsi with me. And I saw chopstick's tear as well. I cant help by thinking why did it happened, and all the small details that I missed to visit you. I feel so regretful. 


I dont know how you are doing, therefore what I can do is to do dmk for you everyday... Seniors and IICs always say the only thing that will get through to oneself is by sending dmk, hopefully you can receive it.


Shall not continue any further on what's on my mind...


Comrade, you are missed. Always.

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I get the answer somehow?

Finally, like seriously it has been like 42th week... I finally pluck up that courage to untie the naughty knot I always had..

I swear, I always wanted to ask this question for like the past few months but I have never succeed!!! This just made me lost my courage day by day... But still, I couldnt get over with it. It's just a random thought I had, and once again the curiosity has ignited.. I thought about it last night, and even tossed a coin which I never tried before... And the decision is to open my damn it mouth to ask. However, I just move my damn it fingers on my phone to message instead. haha!

I think I damn joke! I requested that all questions and answers have to be in text form, NO CONVERSATION! HAHA! Cause I scare I cant take it... Heheee...

From whatever text I received, one thing for sure... they did know about the critical condition.. but didnt really inform us... And, it caught them red handed as well... Didnt want to blame anyone, but myself! Blame myself for not taking the initiative to do the visit... Yea.. Blame no one.. but me... Myself. I shouldnt have gone to the korea trip, if I did stay behind, at least, at least I can go visit together with huimin... But why they made everything soooooo secretive... :( When something should spread, it stops... when something shouldnt spread, it spreads like peanut butter.. so smooth... Sigh.

Whatever it is, I did get the answer... right?
But, if they could be honest with us, I could still make it. Very sad lor, when someone is really DYING to see you... I dont know how it feels to be the one waiting, but DEFINITELY no good... I felt bad!!! Not fuifilling your wishes... That's why ram also felt the same? Why time can only ticks clockwise but not anti clockwise??

Never did any of you hide anything from me right?

Sorry, comrade.

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Just let me spam my blog for ONCE.

(Spending XMAS with the WHOLE SINGAPORE SOKA ASSOCIATION in Singapore Indoor Stadium!!! Host was JEFF WANG and some quite popular artistes too SHIOL~~ ^^)

Xmas has just passed, the time now is 12.34am! NICE NUMBER! It's 261210.. It's your birthday, comrade.. How are you?? I wanted to post on your wall so badly, but I think I will attract more attention than spamming here! LOL! So here I am..

During just now (saturday) and yesterday(friday), I have lots of thoughts in my mind... And whenever I saw the video about the victories that others shared.. I will start thinking, if you could have pull through.. maybe one of the members there in the video might be you. Saying.. "I have overcome my illness."

And if you could pull through, we could have celebrate this 80th SOKA anniversary together... And if you could pull through, we could celebrate our FIRST xmas together... *which I didnt even celebrate with emily, huimin and the rest of RPSD before.*
And if you could pull through, we could celebrate your 20th birthday together.. Since it was just a day away from xmas.. There are so many things we missed. So many...

(RPSD YWDs... :) - michelle, lovein, siya, renna, ivy, xinbei, rachel, huimin, me and emily! )

Mummy watched the show! She stayed throughout! And she told me ON HER OWN! Without me mentioning about ANYTHING.. She just shared with me that she naturally think of nicholas when watching the video or in fact the whole concert.. I told her about my view too.. She listened with tears in her eyes.. Sorry mummy, I dont know by telling you so much about him to you was a good thing or a bad thing. She kept emphasizing that it was a amazing at the fact that even though she dont know him, she can feel that this boy is a good child and she felt as if he was her son... She even cried for him whenever mummy thinks that it was a waste that he left at such a young age.

Comrade ah.. you know you have such a big influence on us? Even though your departure make me learn so many things.. but still, I rather you will still be with us.

Different people has different values in different people's heart.. What you lost is not what I lost, what I lost is not what you lost. That's why I dont like to compare over each other's lost.. Cause it's a completely different thing. I can totally understand some may think I damn stubborn, why still broading over it since it was like so many months.. And even at times, I also get scolded by my friends for thinking too much! HAHA! That's why I only dare to say it here! HEE! But.. I dont know leh.. It just refused to go away, I just stubbornly wanted to keep this piece of "memory" although I knew that it will bring me sadness... Frankly speaking.. I still feel damn bad and regretful for not being able to do the last visit when I was called... :( Sorry... I do hope this guilt can get away from me... But time doesnt play much of a role or either it takes quite some time to take its effect ba.. HA! *Is it my first time for sharing so much? Yes? No? ha..*

If you were with us at the same night of XMAS, I hope you enjoy too!!! :') Cause I enjoyed myself! I screamed till I throat pain! Will never forget.. '^^'

>>>

6 more days before it marked the first year.
My first painful and saddening incident to be recalled once more. :(
In fact, I already started to recall it.

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Good girl. --> yueming

SATURDAY LE! A new day indeed. I wonder how's my cousin doing... I hope she is coping well.

Anyway, yesterday.. I BOUGHT KOI!!!! [>.<] I have been craving for a day, I couldnt buy it cause of the queue and secondly, I have a mission.. which was to buy food for my family.. -.- One girl carrying 3 big boxes of rice and another box of mixed rice... total 4.. Sigh, cant afford to wait for 15 minutes or more for my KOI.. SO! I decided before going to senja, I shall treat myself to LARGE CUP of PASSIONFRUIT GREEN TEA!!! Cause I'm happy whenever I drank that! ^^

The purpose of going to senja is to visit my comrade, nicholas!... It was his 100th day yesterday! We supposed to meet at senja by 4.20pm. But we only entered the hall at 4.45pm.. To wait for everyone.. Alan, lovein, junhu, ram, huimin, emily and jiahao including me went in... Wow... it was my first time there. Kind of speechless after the uncle opened his 'new house'. But thankfully we have ram and jiahao there who made our times there meaningful... With the help of chopstick, he made the atmosphere very lively... I hope whatever conversation we had there, you enjoyed too... though we cant hear you... Sigh. Still the same word: Sorry.

After the visit, we went to BPP's MOS burger for SUJ souvenir making.. The making process were funny, ORIGAMI!! Especially junhu, at first he folded wrongly.. but jiahao said he's correct! WE ALL WERE LIKE WTH!!! But he happy awhile, after several trying and figuring.. he was wrong. In fact, we were all wrong! haha!

He still dont let me do some styling to his hand's hair... never mind. Huimin left during our dinner time, cause she has BBQ session with her YOG friends.

We proceed back to senja after our dinner.Time for daimoku le.. Sigh. I cant focus sia... If I too concentrate on chanting, then I will feel very sad. In my mind, it's all my aunt faces... Though I have emily with me by my side entertaining me, and chopstick to sms me, "hi"... But I still cant keep my mind off that heart depressing images.. I walked off to the toilet. To release my sadness.. LOL! emily still timed me! haha! I tio frightened by her when she said, "Thoo Yue Ming.." when I'm in the toilet. haha..

Today's discussion damn ... dot dot dot sia.. About supernatural, eternity of life and dont know what... Which will link to life and death! SHITZZ!! I just focus on my peeling... ^^ Only add in abit here and there... Monkey god was sitting beside me! LOL! He kept saying ram lor! ASSHOLE! I got karma for pulling his hair, he flicked his finger at my finger!!! [>.<] PAIN HOR! I peel my skin also not yours... Tio spied by him and emily shiol. You know, some times when the more you want to run away.. the more you have to face it eventually... Though I kept telling myself not to listen well, but strangely, I get to hear the words clearly which I wanted to avoid hearing.. Just quickly excuse myself to the handicap toilet~ once more. *** too jialat that my eyes were red lor, so I stayed outside to cool myself down before going back in.

CONCLUSION: I'M STILL A STRONG GIRL RIGHT? haha!

Huimin ah! You owe me your shoulder!!! YOU SAY DE HOR! hee!

I will stop counting now! My gongyo book like abit full sia..

I kept losing... I cant remember the time when I gained something...

I know we shouldnt hope to gain after we give... but...

can it stop? I dont want to gain nor lose.. Can I keep it this way? No gain.. no lost.

[101]

Time seriously passed like nobody's business.

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HEALTHY FRIDAY!

YO!

My ups&downs mood

Badminton session with my coursemates + classmates!! :) Thanks to kc! He helped us to book courts! ha!

But kinshen, peter, ralph and friend, joel and huiyan were already there! DAMN HARD CORE! LOL! But is we slow la.. Cause we having horror movie~~ ^^ I appreciate this session!! I hope to watch more! :D But clashed with badminton session!!! [>.<]

So we left around 4pm... Yueming abit chui... dont know how to set up the net!! I tried!! But failed. kc everything he bao sia~~~ haha!!! Then for the first round, I didnt get to play badminton because not enough rackets... HAHA! So... aswandy and I started on our own table tennis session!! We used our notebook as our rackets!!! Pingpong ball just kope from the floor! LOL! WE STILL CAN PLAY TILL WE SWEAT! Then aswandy also very bastard, he purposely collected lots of balls, then he throws the ball while I was picking up another. -.- Yongji joined us too! He played better with his own hands than using the notebook! LOL! Then we also bastard yongji by making him run here and there! HAHA!

Then nice rachel lent me her racket! ^^ Played with yongji, kimyeow and others!!!!!!!!!! ^^ I played like siao though I felt so tired, like fainting soon, hand weak till I felt nothing but I still want to play!!!! Kept running around to get myself into one of the courts! And hor.. father! You damn lazy lor! Have you ever seen someone who can stand at the same spot without moving a single inch while playing badminton? Joel is a good example… -.- MOVE!!!

Then I joined in with Ralph dealing against peter and kinshen! They all damn funny lor! Very slack also! The best part is that the shuttlecock cannot be seen when it was being surfed. Totally cant see it fly behind me!! -.- Then kinshen and peter no team work! Their actions made me laughed like siao, is they either fighting to hit the shuttle or both ignore it! LOL!

Very sad, not much interaction! Never mingle around! LOL! But it’s ok! There’s always a next time! ^^ NO PICTURES!!! I THOUGHT TIANTIAN WILL BRING CAMERA… -.- Miscommunication. Ha!

Joel, huiyan, kinshen, peter, ralph went off earlier... And we stayed till 7plus! LOL! Played beyond 6pm! HAHA!

Last round with weikian and aswandy! Haha! played with them damn funny sia! Weikian hit the shuttle and it came flying to me, and I realised that the shuttle no ‘butt’!!! We laughed out LOUD!!! SPOILT LIAO! Damn sian, but both of them went to borrow a new shuttle from other people! Haha! then when they started to test it out, they kept wow-ing! LOL! Both aswandy and weikian used quack quack to play badminton.. -.- those who lose will tio quack quack…

I teamed up with kc, and we kept being quack quack by them.. till I cant stand it, I jitao run sia!!! I ran behind the black board, but they each was blocking the entrances at each side… jitao trapped!!! Quack-ed like siao…

Dinner with tiantian, gina, pearlyn, rachel, yongrong, yongji, aswandy, weikian, kc and kimyeow but john has to leave as he has something on... We were split into two... LOL! Sorry yongji.. Haha... I'm a emo piece of shit! HAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

train-ed home with yongji, yongrong and kc! And yongrong xiaojie forget to return rachel's racket!!! haha!

*Thank you aswandy xiaomei for your lollipop! LOL!

{hated myself.}

[71]
I dont know. I think I feeling out of place, that's why I missed you so much.
Everytime, each moment when I am feeling down, you are always the one who came into the picture.
I always have the temptation to tell the rest, how fortunate they are.
To have all their friends with them. Naturally, they tend to take things for granted.
It's not that they are no good, only certain of them.
I dont know how to say, maybe they are forgetful.

I dont know what im saying.
Forget all about it ba. I will take it as normal. I'm alone. Just nice to train myself: stand alone spirit.

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My 529th post shall be regards to my 534 words of RJ! :D

HAHA! SO proud of myself!!!! ^^ For doing rj consisting 534 words!!! ESSAY SHIOL~~~ AIZAI!! ^^ Cause coincidentally I have plenty to say! :) HAHA!

My RJ >>
Yeah~ I just submit once I completed.. HAHA! You can call me whatever it is... I dont care.. haha! I just hate myself at times when I think about it...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ^^

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My comrade...

Finally, the book of nicholas has been passed to his parents with the help of renna. Will always put this everlasting friend in my heart and miss you too.

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A visit that came too late.

[A bed of flower..] --> Who dont want their lives to be a bed of "flowers"? But they didnt know that to be able to face problems, will make their lives much more happier.. Because those who suffered the most, is the happiest!

I think I suffered alot, went to see doctor yesterday and woke up 6.20am today and tomorrow still need to go for school despite the tiring day I have today! And I suffer again.

160510: Orientation & Graduation 2010After O&G...

The picture above is the only picture I took today! With my dying phone! LOL! Yueming is a good girl who went for morning gongyo at tbsc! After that made our way to hot park.. YES! INDEED! IT WAS HOT! Huimin and I were complaining! HA! Fortunately I brought my towel with me! Hee!

Seriously, everything was last minute. Didnt know that i was in charge of dialogue till yesterday! Then I didnt know about the agenda either. I was like a lost girl... BUT! BUT! I enjoyed myself more than last year O&G! Maybe because last year has to take charge of games, while this time round i get to play! YEAH! :D

(Hort Park --> Hot Park)

(Emcee for the day! Catherine and Deon.)

(Slacking while waiting to start...)

(Getting our "name tag" ready...)

(Self introduction under the hot sun.. WTH.)

(Before the game even started... Chopstick already started his game... -.- )

(Eh... Started with... CATERPILLAR??? Bluff me... It's just like 7 legged race...)

(My AGK! haha! My drawings! LOL!)

Both monsters came in late lor! haha! My morning call for ynez is fake de! LOL!

(Steady game IC, clement.)

(Scattering around like looking for lost item!)

(Start the ball rolling~~~)

(Huimin looks so happy, I wish she will always be...)

(Still games...)

(1 pro, taking 2 pros...)

Lunch time! Nasi lemak! huimin very nice, she wanted to go pei letitia.. So ynez, emily and I also tagged along! :) Eh, after some time I felt that she isnt that bad afterall... :X NO! She is still very bad to me!

(Hungry comrades waiting patiently... )

(HERE COMES CATHERINE! WAH! Food is in her hands!)

(After lunch, dialogue... WTH... I'm the only girl in the group.. the rest of the group is mixed except mine... But ok la...)

(An short item that IICs gave us...)

Then we gossiped about much much! haha! So many unfamilar faces! But it was a good gathering!!! I LIKE~~ HA! Finally! Graduates are finally out of RPSD! Especially cs! haha! The nagger of RPSD! A piece of mind! :P JIAYOU SENIORS IN EVERYTHING IN THE FUTURE YOO~~~

Orientation!

Graduation!

Singing Young Eagle!

Thank you one of RPSD members who helped us takes lots of nonsense picture!!!

(Can't you see? The statue 漏点... )

(I trying to cover up nia...)

(Choosing of where to stand...)

haha! Dinner with the rest of them... HA!

Go find kongming for awhile since he worked at vivo, dont say never go say hi to you! ha! Then we went into this shop filled with camerasss... And looked at cs... -.-

(An uncle acting to be pro.. LOL!)

WE WENT CANDY EMPIRE~ I LIKE~ haha! Train-ed with benny, ynez, cs and emily.

NICHOLAS! Please recover soon! RPSD and even the SD are waiting for your return! JIAYOU JIAYOU! He already at a place better than here. :( Suyi!!! You too! Everytime so excited when they said that you will turn up for certain meeting, then end up never get a chance to meet you. YOU OWE ME 5 MONTHS OF PG HOR! HAHA! Yueming will try to chant for the both of you! :)

Right after I reached home from o&g, I drafted this post... cause I do not have all the pictures... I managed to publish this post cause I only took the picture yesterday. I FELT SO BAD AGAIN AFTER SEEING THE MESSAGE I LEFT FOR HIM! :( :( :( I should have go visit him after o&g... :( I still have the chance at that point of time... But benny told me he is still in ICU... :( So what if I kept urging to go... I still not allow to. Then I also forgotten about it... :( I hated myself soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!!! [>.<] It was like so close yet so far... So close in seeing you... but this opportunity has dragged even further from me now....

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