My wish. I wish..
I hope next year, I dont get any lonelier on my birthday. It sucks though.
Popo left made me feel even more emptier....|
Showing posts with label Grandma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grandma. Show all posts
I still want to wipe your eyes...
My colleagues are all so nice and understanding..
They treated me as 'normal' by talking to me the same as before and disturbed me the same as before..
It really helped me alot.. As I kept myself occupied.
But I always start thinking when I'm alone..
Just alone reaching home after work, and staring at the ceiling blankly while getting to sleep..
Wah.. The feeling damn bad. Sigh..
Popo I want to see you again.
Where are you?
I still want to help you wipe your eyes..|
They treated me as 'normal' by talking to me the same as before and disturbed me the same as before..
It really helped me alot.. As I kept myself occupied.
But I always start thinking when I'm alone..
Just alone reaching home after work, and staring at the ceiling blankly while getting to sleep..
Wah.. The feeling damn bad. Sigh..
Popo I want to see you again.
Where are you?
I still want to help you wipe your eyes..|
It's only the first night.
Cannot sleep.
The scenario of me wiping ahma's eyes kept repeating.
I still want to see her...
Ahma...|
260912 @ 2100hr
The old lady beside me is my ahma (popo).
Her name Cheng Tiew.
She gave birth to my father when she was 42 years old, and my father was born in the year of 1951.
She used to have this only one tooth in her mouth, and I always remembered how my father disturbed her with her tooth.
She's Hakka, and she only spoke Hakka which I usually understand nuts during the time when she was staying in that old flat.
She stayed at Old Folk Home as all of her children have difficulties in taking care of her, but I know.. My father visited her very often.
She's getting old, and getting skinnier day by day. And the day comes...
She finally passed away, silently. Without knowing if she has suffered, who knows... My father and uncles were informed late.
She's 104 years old this year.
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| Her last admission that I visited before she left. |
We know in our hearts, she is struggling to stay alive. Because she has been going in and out of the hospital frequently. Though, we have already lost the form of communication... Lost in forging strong kinship. However, through my father's doing, I wanted to do something filial as well. At least! I want to do my part as a grand-daughter.
I always visited her once I received the news of her admitting into hospital from my father, I looked at her and chant secretly in my heart. I miss how the way she reacted to me by closing her eyes, when I used a tissue paper to clean her eyes. She's like a normal elderly.
Right after, it's really right after I have parted from emily, followed by ynez last night after our dinner and games... A sms came in.. My younger sister told me to be prepared as popo is somehow weaker than usual. The EXACT feeling of wanting to visit her soon but the timing wasnt there, appeared just like the way I felt 2 years ago when my comrade was struggling as well. The next moment when I saw another SMS, my heart really sank. It was sinking rapidly, like a endless pit. The feeling suck, I swear. I really hate the feeling of losing someone. Anyone. Sigh, popo I hope you can stay longer.
Papa kept sighing on the first night, he must be feeling so sad.
The night she left, the exact same night I almost had my dinner at Chomp Chomp which located right infront of the Old Folk Home. I never make it, and my father never made it as well.
Before she left, the doctor wanted to amputate her legs in order to prolong her life. But before she undergo the operation, she left. She made a choice, I guess. A choice she made by herself, not by anyone else. Dont like the feeling, I'm serious.
The next day, papa seems to be better. I felt so relieved, naturally... I felt so much calmer. The atmosphere was not that sorrowful as what I have thought of. I stayed with papa after my work. Am I filial enough? Not enough?
Anyway, I want popo to have a safe journey to the happy world.
I hope those people there understands what she is saying.
She's a Hakka spoken grandma.
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| Popo, please rest in peace and go to a better world! |
At this moment, I always think of you. I learnt to be more compassionate towards all the people around me.
Gohonzon, please hold my popo's hand through her last part in life.
The sad-est part in my life was when I lost my comrade, my aunt and my senior all in a year.
I hope that's the sad-est of the sad-est point in my life.
Grandma, my fighter role model in life.
I'm so glad:
Ever since Grandma has been hospitalised, I started to add her into my prayer list. Really wanted her to get out of that taboo hospital, partly because it's really expensive so stay there for 2 weeks plus... But also, to have her around which is what my father will hope for.
And yesterday, papa told me that grandma is transfering back to her old folk home today! I REALLY REALLY GLAD!!! My prayer is finally answered! *SCREAMS*
I remembered the first time I visited her she was looking so sick and weak with at least 2 drips on her, and wearing oxygen mask... Everything was done to increase her blood pressure. Doctor and nurse told me that it was hard for her to recover, and told me to be prepared for the worst. One word to conclude: BULL SHIT!
The last time I saw her in the hospital, she was wide awake, without oxygen mask with only a drip on her! And now, she's back to her home!!! I'm so thankful and glad! Thank you grandma for being such a fighter in life! :)I will definitely visit you at the old folk home when I'm free after work ok? So must wait for me also wor! I was thinking what kind of toys you could play with! HAHA! Cause I guess you will be bored all alone at the home.. But I promised you I will visit you NOT only on CNY!!! :D
Today at work:I have a staff meeting today at Toa Payoh West CC, wah! SIBEI STRESSED!! From what they have said, discussed.. It seems like I have more to learn!! Especially when I have IAEC meeting with only myself without mani.. I was so lost.. And I definitely have a taste of my chairman's power!! Yea.. Tough time ahead. I hope to change her, though it may takes year.. Or as if trying to nurture a plant which doesnt bear fruits at all. But it worth a try! LOL!!!
Really must chant harder liao! HAHA!
I chant for:
And yesterday, papa told me that grandma is transfering back to her old folk home today! I REALLY REALLY GLAD!!! My prayer is finally answered! *SCREAMS*
I remembered the first time I visited her she was looking so sick and weak with at least 2 drips on her, and wearing oxygen mask... Everything was done to increase her blood pressure. Doctor and nurse told me that it was hard for her to recover, and told me to be prepared for the worst. One word to conclude: BULL SHIT!
The last time I saw her in the hospital, she was wide awake, without oxygen mask with only a drip on her! And now, she's back to her home!!! I'm so thankful and glad! Thank you grandma for being such a fighter in life! :)I will definitely visit you at the old folk home when I'm free after work ok? So must wait for me also wor! I was thinking what kind of toys you could play with! HAHA! Cause I guess you will be bored all alone at the home.. But I promised you I will visit you NOT only on CNY!!! :D
Today at work:I have a staff meeting today at Toa Payoh West CC, wah! SIBEI STRESSED!! From what they have said, discussed.. It seems like I have more to learn!! Especially when I have IAEC meeting with only myself without mani.. I was so lost.. And I definitely have a taste of my chairman's power!! Yea.. Tough time ahead. I hope to change her, though it may takes year.. Or as if trying to nurture a plant which doesnt bear fruits at all. But it worth a try! LOL!!!
Really must chant harder liao! HAHA!
I chant for:
- Good fortune to meet a doctor with wisdom to find out the specific cause of my knee/ knee to be able to strengthen each day!
婆婆's speedy recovery!(Wanted to see her back at her old folk home.) --- Expired:Must be because of my dmk, 婆婆 seems to be holding on till now!! 加油!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 婆婆!!!!!! ^^--- Now grandma is back to her old folk home!!!!! Double delight! Replaced: [Grandma to continue living healthily!]- Papa and Mummy's longevity and good health! (So that I have chance to be filial to them!)
Meet good colleagues.(All my colleagues are my Dai Bishamon-tenno, who will guide me along!!)This job will allow me to join chingay.--- Though my job can try to comply my timing, but it will clash with work meeting at times. Sigh.- High life condition, wisdom and courage to excel in my work and adapt to the working environment!
Emily will be able to find a suitable job!--- She found a job, but on probation. I think it's up to her now! I have done my part for her by sending dmk to her.- My committee chairman to be a happier and big hearted person! --- I wish through me, she can change to a better person.. because of me? LOL! *winks* (Human Revolution!!
==========================
Almost forgotten!
***Dai Bishamon-tenno (Great Heavenly King Vaishravana): One of the Four Heavenly Kings, who appear in the Lotus Sutra and vow to protect those who embrace the sutra.
So thankful for the both of them to reply me! :)
One is faith gao gao, while the other is my karmic cum jiaowei comrade!
Jiaowei comrade never failed to listen to me, or even close the door on me especially when I attitude first! LOL!
Doraemon too!!!! The first to ask what happened each time she dropped by her, though we seldom meet but I'm still happy to have this bonding with her! Thank you! ^^
Thank you comrade! Thank you trainer! LOL!
:) I saw hope and comforted, I felt delighted! :')
A week when I start off as a beginner! heh!
WOOO! After working this sunday, it shall marks my first week of work! HA! There's a young lady named Janice, her voice sounds like Angie's!!!!!!!!!!!! Serious man! But she's the one that I fear, cause she's so capable despite her young age.. though she's older than me by 1 or 2 years.
I now aiming to do BETTER than her! Only by doing better than her, perhaps I will not be too stressed up! The another colleague I fear of is one of my CM, he's like a serious and strict person that I quite scared of. A person who I feel that I need to respect him, cause he's like a senior to me. I just cant bring myself to like... treat them as my friend! HAHA!
At least now, I learnt quite alot of stuff... Now wanting to know all the systems and familarise how it goes as well! YUEMING! JIAYOU!
Last wednesday, it was my 6th training at PA HQ again~ This time, I went ahead with huimin to accompany her for the training for the opening ceremony ... But then, I hope catherine doesnt needs my help! LOL!
Despite we were there on time, they started late.. Made me had an early dinner, but also made me feel hungry again... Thanks to emily and ynez, hee! Tabao takopachi for both of us! YES AH!!! The thought of it during training while waiting for them to arrive, really trigger my gastric juice to gush out like crazy!! LOL!
Anyway, our training was slightly different compared to the other trainings... We not only have to do spirit boaster after the training but also... to celebrate guangming's birthday! haha!
Initially, when we were practicing for spirit boaster, I was so depressed.. Have to sing the song on "朋友"!!! But I have decided to lalalala the song! HEH!
Because our instituition is small, therefore.. we started to pull in people to back our institution up! HAHA! Like pulling xiumin with us when she coincidentally bumped into us, and also point out junyuan to join us as well! LOL! Felt touched and delighted when everyone stood up with us and sing together, I can really hear them sing sia! It was awesome!!! We choose the right song? HAHAHA!
IICs were busy setting up the cakes with the rest, while some of them hurried off to claim their bags back! The small eyes man was like looking here and there when the cake was presented to him! haha! I think we were the first one who had a birthday celebration in the area? HEH!
Seriously I hope to conclude this Chingay participation a success! :D HAHA!
For now, finally I can talk about TODAY! Today's work was one of the best! HAHA! Hee! And after work and just a pizza.. I went off to visit my ahma with papa.. Mummy jitao no heart lor, because she want to watch "女人我最大"... -.-
In the end, cause papa drives me there.. I have no choice to sneak to get BR ice cream. :(
BUT! At least I saw my ahma!! She's no longer had to put oxygen mask!!! :) Out of the few visits I made, today was the time that ahma was awake man~~~ She was lying on her bed and hitting her body again...
When papa was talking to her, she has no reply. But then, I have the feeling that she recognises papa.. Cause she was glaring at papa, then she raised her hand to papa for him to pat! LOL! Damn cute lor!! I also keep looking at her... LOL!
But after her dinner, she was sleepy... Her eyes closed and opened again.. So we left for her to sleep..
Papa told me, ahma cannot be placed back to old folk home, because she no longer can digest solid food on her own, and has to be fed liquid food instead. In hospital, there's nurse who can take care of her 24 hours...
After what papa has said, it really made me wander... So ahma will have to stay there till she decided to leave for a better world? If that's the case, like it means ahma has no sign of recovery but only deteriorating... :( I want ahma to be better leh... :( Only when she's better, papa will not be so worried.. and also less burdened.. Staying in the hospital is a no joke, the charges are so expensive lor.. Hospital also no give chance de.. LOL!
Ahma!! Must really be healthy ok? I will not going to stop chanting for you! So you must hang on ok? *winks*
I now aiming to do BETTER than her! Only by doing better than her, perhaps I will not be too stressed up! The another colleague I fear of is one of my CM, he's like a serious and strict person that I quite scared of. A person who I feel that I need to respect him, cause he's like a senior to me. I just cant bring myself to like... treat them as my friend! HAHA!
At least now, I learnt quite alot of stuff... Now wanting to know all the systems and familarise how it goes as well! YUEMING! JIAYOU!
Last wednesday, it was my 6th training at PA HQ again~ This time, I went ahead with huimin to accompany her for the training for the opening ceremony ... But then, I hope catherine doesnt needs my help! LOL!
Despite we were there on time, they started late.. Made me had an early dinner, but also made me feel hungry again... Thanks to emily and ynez, hee! Tabao takopachi for both of us! YES AH!!! The thought of it during training while waiting for them to arrive, really trigger my gastric juice to gush out like crazy!! LOL!
Anyway, our training was slightly different compared to the other trainings... We not only have to do spirit boaster after the training but also... to celebrate guangming's birthday! haha!
Initially, when we were practicing for spirit boaster, I was so depressed.. Have to sing the song on "朋友"!!! But I have decided to lalalala the song! HEH!Because our instituition is small, therefore.. we started to pull in people to back our institution up! HAHA! Like pulling xiumin with us when she coincidentally bumped into us, and also point out junyuan to join us as well! LOL! Felt touched and delighted when everyone stood up with us and sing together, I can really hear them sing sia! It was awesome!!! We choose the right song? HAHAHA!
IICs were busy setting up the cakes with the rest, while some of them hurried off to claim their bags back! The small eyes man was like looking here and there when the cake was presented to him! haha! I think we were the first one who had a birthday celebration in the area? HEH!
Seriously I hope to conclude this Chingay participation a success! :D HAHA!
For now, finally I can talk about TODAY! Today's work was one of the best! HAHA! Hee! And after work and just a pizza.. I went off to visit my ahma with papa.. Mummy jitao no heart lor, because she want to watch "女人我最大"... -.-
In the end, cause papa drives me there.. I have no choice to sneak to get BR ice cream. :(
BUT! At least I saw my ahma!! She's no longer had to put oxygen mask!!! :) Out of the few visits I made, today was the time that ahma was awake man~~~ She was lying on her bed and hitting her body again...
When papa was talking to her, she has no reply. But then, I have the feeling that she recognises papa.. Cause she was glaring at papa, then she raised her hand to papa for him to pat! LOL! Damn cute lor!! I also keep looking at her... LOL!
But after her dinner, she was sleepy... Her eyes closed and opened again.. So we left for her to sleep..
Papa told me, ahma cannot be placed back to old folk home, because she no longer can digest solid food on her own, and has to be fed liquid food instead. In hospital, there's nurse who can take care of her 24 hours...
After what papa has said, it really made me wander... So ahma will have to stay there till she decided to leave for a better world? If that's the case, like it means ahma has no sign of recovery but only deteriorating... :( I want ahma to be better leh... :( Only when she's better, papa will not be so worried.. and also less burdened.. Staying in the hospital is a no joke, the charges are so expensive lor.. Hospital also no give chance de.. LOL!
Ahma!! Must really be healthy ok? I will not going to stop chanting for you! So you must hang on ok? *winks*
AHMA!!!! Must get even better ok??
I'm glad that I didnt wake up TOO late!! I managed to visit my ahma! LOL! I realised the ward I am in, jitao no announcement to remind the visitors to leave as the visiting hours are over... Totally quiet sia! HAHA! So I stayed from 1.30pm to going to 3pm I think! LOL! Then ynez came over to find me as well! haha! Extra grand-daughter! But thankfully the nurse came back to me shortly after ynez came, so dont have to wait for quite long...
Nurse mentioned that grandma's BP is much stable therefore the decrease the drug which helps in the increase of the BP, but she's still in 100% oxygen... And abit infection ba... Haiyo like so many problems.. But of course better! HAHA! Though today she was damn quiet, without moving much... Sleeping soundly on her bed...
Anyway, after that... The both of us went around novena shopping center to walk walk see see and eat eat. Ynez ordered ginseng chicken for herself! So glad she enjoyed it so much, while I munched my tibits! LOL! We just happily go explore and then.. wahahahaha! We went to BR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAH! I was damn overjoy when ynez told me there's COTTON CANDY!! Jitao fly to the counter sia! HAHAHA!
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| Just cotton candy! |
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| DAEBAK~~~~~~ LOL! |
Really loving it more with every scoop of it lor! HEH!
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| Should really learn how to 自拍 sia.. haha! |
Then after that we head back to bishan cause ynez wants to find her mum and journey home with her as well! LOL! Since her mum ending around 9, I accompanied her around J8! She really died also want rilakumma... BUT! She want a sunglasses again.. Then a perfume... Or even a elmo singing toy.. OEI! Stop it ah! LOL!
Cause we have been walking for hours, so decided to stop by at MOS burger! Woo! I had milk tea and we jiao wei again! HAHAHA! Then she suddenly talked about guest book so we headed to Popular to search for it! So helped her abit but gladful that it has been settled le! :D
So sorry that I cant pei you long, cause I feeling abit CMI... Scared later faint again! LOL! Cause I never eat... Hurry went home and gobble like a pig! HAHAHA!! :)
I hope the aunty called me to collect my clothes man!! I need it like NOW! HAHA! I mean soon la! Concert tomorrow as well! WEE!
See ya all! ^^
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Since young, I only get to see my grandma once a year which is on the CNY... Therefore I do not have strong bond with her compared to others... The mighty grandma of mine... I remembered how she was when she was still able to walk around... Talking to me with her extremely cute tooth she has... I really mean TOOTH! The only one left standing on her gum! I can never forget papa always laughed at her tooth and grandma always give that face! HAHA!
As years passed.. with another problem.. aunties and uncles have left with no choice but to place grandma in the old folk home... Then, it has been our culture to have CNY at the old folk home... In the first year there, grandma still have the ability to respond to relatives' question and engage in their conversation... She even clapped her hands!! She peeled her own oranges and dont know when to stop! HAHA!
But soon after... grandma has become quieter and quieter.. She went into hospital more frequently... But I felt like it was normal.. Perhaps is because the bond was not there... BUT! Something just changed how I feel recently!! When my mum told me that this time round is much more serious, I decided it's time I should make the initial to visit her and spent those time I missed with her.
After the 2 visits, I find it damn amazing that I have the liking of my grandma sia!!!! IT'S SO AMAZING!! I should that's what we called BLOOD TIES!! Because of the very HUGE age gaps... and the communication barrier.. Kind of sad that I missed the times when I can build better bonding with her. :( But after visiting her, just by sitting beside her and chanted silently in my heart that she must be better... I feel that I DEFINITELY CANNOT, WONT WANT HER TO LEAVE. Cannot. Dont want. Refuse. I dont know how this sudden feelings of wanted to stick to her so much!
Just feel that life is so fragile.. I used to have the regret of not visiting earlier, know the pain of losing... Therefore, I have the phobia of it. Who will want something bad to happen twice? Papa just now said that the nurse has put some anesthetic on her so that she will sleep better.. but I think they trying to put her to sleep. Eh dont like that leh.. nurse already say her BP is stable, just that she's 100% on oxygen... :( Dont want la...
GRANDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! U HEAR MY CHANTING AT YOUR BEDSIDE NOT?? IF YES, HURRY RECOVER HORRR!! I wait for you back at the old folk home that I will promise you I will visit other than CNY!! OK? PROMISE HOR! Sensei always said we must always keep our promise, so do I.. So dont worry, I wont fly your aeroplane de!!! [>.<]
Please be healthy every single second.
Grandma has been hospitalised again, but this time.. it seems like a dead end for her. It's all up to her determination... Afraid that I will face the same regret, I chanted yesterday that she must be fine till today so that I can visit her... WOO! My prayer was answered, after I took my measurement at commonwealth, grandma still give me time to go home and rest for awhile before I visited her.
I reached 30minutes before the visiting time, therefore all the doors are locked. Thinking that I have to wait outside, who knows... 2 policeman brought a criminal over, the assistance call was useless even with the rare visitor. But thanks to them, a kind cleaner came over to tap her card for entry. I took this chance to sneak in...
And I found grandma...
She's so skinny, her hands were in a pouch, she wearing oxygen mask and both of her legs were put on drips. Nurse told me that if possible, she maybe soon can be fed with liquid food instead of drip. However, when the doctor came... And I ask him about her condition, he said even though today her condition improved but she still may leave...
Sighs..
But surprisingly I stayed for 1 hour, helped her to move her legs back into her bed countless of time! LOL! She looked so scary especially when I saw her opening her mouth wide for air!! WAH! Damn scary! But I'm damn happy to be there with her!! Ahma!! YOU MUST RECOVER!! Without you, I cant haolian that I have a grandma that old!!! JIAYOU!! I will chant for you EVERYDAY!!
I reached 30minutes before the visiting time, therefore all the doors are locked. Thinking that I have to wait outside, who knows... 2 policeman brought a criminal over, the assistance call was useless even with the rare visitor. But thanks to them, a kind cleaner came over to tap her card for entry. I took this chance to sneak in...
But surprisingly I stayed for 1 hour, helped her to move her legs back into her bed countless of time! LOL! She looked so scary especially when I saw her opening her mouth wide for air!! WAH! Damn scary! But I'm damn happy to be there with her!! Ahma!! YOU MUST RECOVER!! Without you, I cant haolian that I have a grandma that old!!! JIAYOU!! I will chant for you EVERYDAY!!
